ANNOTATED LEGEND OF POPPYCOCK
by Baron Nefarious on Sunday, October 10, 2010 at 6:57pm
(Prince Poppycock, the Legend of Poppycock and all characters therein are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa.)
In a magical realm far far away there lived the Crowned Prince of Absurdity, Prince Poppycock. (He was absurd, all right! ^~)
Prince Poppycock was a celebrated singer (by whom? ^~) and his days were filled with frivolity, merriment and music. (And you never could look past yourself, could you? ^~)
The Kingdom of Poppycock where he lived was a golden utopia, where all citizens had not a care in the world. Consumption, entertainment, and fun were the only things that occupied their minds. Everyone including the Prince was blissfully unaware of the dark trouble held in the Nefarious Nether Regions lurking just past the kingdom walls. (WRONG! You just didn't CARE. "Nothing really matters BUT me!" Ha! ^~)
The price of self indulgent luxury can be steep, and the kingdom had fallen into crisis. Royalty exalted a lifestyle of partying all night and shopping all day. People began to have so much they would throw things away the second they had purchased it. This led to the disposal of waste by catapult over the kingdom walls into the Nefarious Nether Regions angering the sleeping forces that lay beyond. (You said it, Poppycock! ^~)
The Pink Plasma flow, the planet's main energy source, was faltering, and the Poppy crop was the most meager in years! (Yes, because your lovely Kingdom was consuming 80% of the planet's energy while having 20% of its population!)
Baron Nefarious had grown up with Prince Poppycock. In school he always came in second, and always was picking the short end of the stick.(Because your daddy OWNED the stick. ^~)
Always sniveling and obsequious to the Prince's face, he secretly hated him. (If I so much as raised an *eyebrow* to your antics, O Royal Nonsense, I'd be punished severely. Hence the hate! ^~ )
He spent his days plotting the kingdom of Poppycock's demise, and most of all the humiliation and banishment of his arch frenemy Prince Poppycock. (What ELSE could I do? What choice did you give me? ^~)
In his grey and dismal industrial Kingdom his factories financed the frivolity of Prince Poppycock. (Yes, it was quite the arrangement! You and yours would buy something, launch it, and my robots would recycle it and sell it to you again! Quite an easy way to get rich, no? But what good is money on a dying planet with no way off? ^~)
After many years of plotting, on the night of what was to be the Prince Poppycock's grandest performance yet, Baron Nefarious set his plan into action.At the climax of the evening’s performance Baron Nefarious and his robot goons, take the King and Queen prisoner. (Ah, good times!! I watch the recording every day. ^~)
As the Prince was being taken away he demanded his birth right and the throne that was rightfully his. However only he who possessed the Poppycock Amulet was able to rule. Nefarious pulls the amulet out of his pocket and then proclaims himself emperor of the Kingdom of Poppycock. (You launched it carelessly. Finders keepers!!! ^~)
Launched in a giant space pod shaped like a Faberge egg, the prince desperately sabotages the rocket mid flight and crash lands into the dark side of the planet, The Nefarious Nether Region. (I am so glad you didn't *kill* yourself sabotaging that rocket! Then who would I have to torment.....? ^~)
There is hardly any food, hardly any sun, and the destitute citizens all needed help. The Prince becomes disillusioned and far worse, for the first time in his life dirty. (Boo-hoo...Somebody get me a violin! ^~)
Lamenting his life in a scrap pile of discarded robot parts the Prince is abducted by a ship of marauding space pirates! (I will deal with Captain Fairchild in my own time, rest assured! Not to fret, I'll give her one for you, "Johnny"....^~)
Forced to swab the decks and work in the galley the Prince spends his days slowly learning the meaning of a hard day’s work.(I bet you foisted it off on somebody else! You always were good at *that*! ^~)
Eventually he earns the trust of Captain Morgan Fairchild, Devora the mystic living in an temple in the middle of the ship, and the crew; he learns to be a swashbuckling pirate himself, and what’s even more, a man. (Says you! ^~)
With the help of his new found pirate friends the prince returns to the Poppycock Kingdom, to find Baron Nefarious' changes already in place. The Kingdom he loved, the once golden utopia, was now an ugly totalitarian regime. (What you call Totalitarian, I call emergency measures to save what little resources you and your Kingdom didn't burn with your incessant partying! ^~)
They storm the Kingdom walls and the Prince manages to enter the throne room and faces Nefarious alone. (Right afterward, your "friends" abandoned you and stole my money. No honor among thieves! ^~)
Challenged to a duel Nefarious proposes that the location be the multiverse and their weapons be swords. (Why? Because I wasn't giving you ANY advantages. ^~)
They don their slip stream suits, cover themselves in multiverse time and space jelly and carefully slip upon banana peels and into the multiverse they fall.In an apocalyptic battle Poppycock and Nefarious clash. (I kicked your powdered CAN! ^~)
The time space continuum is torn asunder and the two fall through planes of reality like sheets of glass, shattering through progressively stranger and stranger worlds. Poppycock breaks free of Nefarious' grasp and the two split onto divergent paths through the infinite possibilities of the multiverse. When Poppycock awoke he was on the strangest world of all, planet Earth, stranded, and a refugee. (And I returned to MY Empire! I bet you were surprised to see me on your tele-vision... ^~)
Poppycock was left to his own devices and only knew one way to survive....to sing. (And lie and cheat and steal like the pirate you are! ^~) So now the prince will entertain, one audience at a time. Only hoping that each performance brings him closer to his journey home to reclaim the throne that is rightfully his...(Lots of luck! ^~)
(C) John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa (Yikes! Even I don't want to tangle with their lawyers! ^~)
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview With Nefarious ^~ (PART ONE)
By Patrick Barnesby aka Baron Nefarious
on Monday, October 11, 2010 at 6:24pm
THREE MINUTES OF OUR TIME: An Interview With Baron ^~ Nefarious...My unexpected visit to The Kingdom of Poppycock and The Nefarious Nether Region (Part One) By: the odd~ist, Patrick Barnes
The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.
PAST PROLOGUE:
11:03pm
You won't believe what I have just been through...I'm not certain I believe it myself. But it happened. I have proof. I have a fan, a gift from His Royal Poetry, King Poppycock the First. It sits just above my computer screen where I can gaze on it.To you, it is a plain, ordinary folding fan. Something one might pick up at a costume store or an import shop. To me, it is a connection with a world few will ever see. It has.....something to it. Mere words cannot define what IT is, but this fan is part of my essence, now, as a creative person.
Francis Scott Church, in his famous reply to Virginia O'Hanlon stated that the most real things cannot be seen or heard...they must be felt. I.....FEEL something when I look at the fan. It is...it is the JOY when the Muse takes one on yet another journey. It is the love of creating something. It is the surprise of a new idea that smashes writer's block. It was the answer that was always there, if you would just open your eyes and SEE it! All this and more.In acquiring the fan, I traveled to another world that, until that moment, I had only thought of as a fictional, fantastical realm.
And, I met the arch-enemy of that world's fallen King and especially his son, Prince Poppycock. A man who, by chance, is now Emperor of the Realm of Poppycock and Chief Executive Officer of his own industry, Nefarious Robot Werks. Baron Nefarious is a man so twisted by hatred and obsession with the torment of his arch-foe, that I am frightened to admit that he and I appear nearly identical. He is more than a dark reflection of myself. He is frustrated creativity and bitterness, with love locked away. Yet, his dignified manners and sense of honor impress me. He is signified by this symbol: ^~ The Baron tells me that he is merely a reflection of the "Prime" Baron Nefarious, signified by this symbol. ~^
I have yet to meet the "Prime" Nefarious, but if the reflection is any indicator, it is unlikely I would survive the encounter. The one enemy they have in common is Prince Poppycock, and they both want him dead, ultimately, after as much torment they can heap upon His Royal Nonsense.
******************************************
It all began with my creating a fan-film for Prince Poppycock, as a bit of fan-art for His Royal Nonsense. I set the story four years after the Legend of Prince Poppycock...a time when the Prince would have settled in to his new life on "our" Earth. Just when he thought things were going well enough in exile, his arch-foe Baron Nefarious would send him a message through his television. This message was meant to taunt his foe, and explain what had happened since their fateful battle across the Multiverse.
I'm a huge comic book and science fiction fan, as well as a believer in the paranormal. The whole idea of two hated foes crashing through the infinite realities of the Multiverse immediately caught my attention. I pictured Prince Poppycock and Baron Nefarious taking on the aspects of each universe as they crashed through it. They could be giant monsters, or cartoon characters. ANYTHING we can (and can't) imagine. I assumed that Baron Nefarious chose to hold the fateful duel in the Multiverse to give him the advantage. This advantage backfired though, I explained, because on his way back (guided by the Amulet of Poppycock), the Baron ran into a time-warp and aged fifteen years in a heartbeat.
A heavy price to pay to win the battle, but to the Baron's estimation, a trifle to see his hated foe in permanent exile. When I posted the fan-film online, the Prince was flattered by my efforts, posting a compliment to his Official Facebook page. I was quite gratified that I had pleased His Royal Nonsense. His music and manners had touched me, and I had touched him in return. It made me so happy!
10:52:26 pm
I received an e-mail from one "Baron Nefarious ^~", someone claiming to be the true subject of this fan-film. He complimented me on my performance, noting how close I came to copying him perfectly. We should meet somewhere, he said, and discuss the fan-film. I refused, citing that behind an e-mail address, he could be anybody. He would have to prove he was from another world (not likely!) "Challenge accepted!" came the reply to my e-mail. "In five minutes, look out your back window to your backyard. You will have your proof."
10:57:26 pm
At exactly five minutes, a shimmering doorway appeared in the middle of my backyard, and some kind of tracked automaton rolled though. I was frozen in fear and wonder. The automaton was triangular above its treads, with a giant, cartoonish eye rotating, scanning its surroundings. As its red sensor "eye" fixed on me, The automaton rolled toward my window, and a holographic projection appeared before the automaton. It was Baron ^~ Nefarious, looking much like me, complete with derby and facial hair."My dear Mr. Barnes! How good to finally see you, sir!" came the voice from the automaton’s speaker.
"What the--?"
"--Doubtless you have many questions for me. I have a few for you, my friend. Please follow #42 through the portal and we will begin."
Here it was. A portal to another world, following a robot through the strangest looking-glass of all. This had to be a dream. Why not?
"I need--"
"Everything will be provided to you, Mr. Barnes. You will return here in three minutes of your time. Quickly now. The portal requires a tremendous amount of energy to hold open. Please."
I grabbed my wallet, keys and phone and raced out the door. #42 was already headed for the shimmering doorway. If only my Trekkie buddies could see me now.
I stepped through the doorway........
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview With Nefarious
By Patrick Barnes (PART TWO)
Baron Nefarious on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at 3:39pm
The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.
11:00:33pm (Earth time)
I awoke in the most comfortable bed I have ever slept in. It felt like therapeutic sponge material, undulated like a water bed and was as warm and cozy as the softest down, all at once. Truly, a bed fit for a king. The enormous canopy bed looked like it could sleep five or six with room for more. Sunlight streamed through a giant picture window, revealing a room decorated with blue china, gold and portraits of a younger Prince Poppycock.The bedroom door opened, and another robot stepped though. This one was humanoid, ten feet tall and massive around the chest and shoulders. It was colored dark green, with the Nefarious Robot Werks logo painted on, and the name “ATLAS” underneath the logo.“Good morning, Mr. Barnes.” came a voice from its speaker. “I hope you slept well.”As the robot stepped towards the bed, its chest cavity opened, and inside was Baron ^~ Nefarious himself.
He was indeed my double in nearly every way. He was dressed in a dark green coverall with the NFW logo embroidered on. About his neck was a simple golden amulet shaped like a Poppy flower. The robot knelt down, and from the controls stepped the Baron. He strode toward the bed, a big smile on his face. The robot stood again, its chest cavity closing and its red sensor eyes fixing on me.“Welcome to the Nefarious Empire, Mr. Barnes. Do please forgive my placing you in such....” his nose wrinkled, “...*tacky* surroundings, but I assumed you would find comfort in a soft bed. The trip through the Portal can take so much out of a body.”I climbed out of bed and felt the luxuriously soft carpet beneath my feet. I just noticed that I was wearing the King’s old pyjamas.
“Baron Nefarious, I presume?”
“Indeed! A very great pleasure to meet...me!” He studied my face. “So very, very close.” He started. “Bah! Where are my manners? Baron Nefarious, indeed, Mr. Barnes.” He pumped my hand. “May I call you Patrick?”
“Please, Your Imperial Mag--”
“Stop right there.” Baron Nefarious held up a hand. “I, unlike the former occupant of that bed, do not and never will stand on rank. My power is only to command the resources that aid this planet, and ALL its peoples. You are my guest, and an honored one at that. You may call me Baron Nefarious. I am the former Baron of the Clan Nefarious.” He thumbed the Amulet of Poppycock around his neck. "And now, Emperor of the Kingdom of Poppycock."
“I see.”
“Very good. I’ll leave you to shower and change--the ‘fresher is through the door. Atlas will lead you to me. We dine in the great hall. We have so much to do!” And he left. I checked my watch...several hours must have passed, but my watch was frozen at the moment I left. 11:00:33 pm. My celphone was also displaying 11:00 pm. Could it be that time flowed differently here? The ‘fresher was more like a bathhouse, big and gleaming gold and marble, with every possible convenience. I quickly showered, changed back into my clothes (which had been laundered--nice touch!) and Atlas was waiting, silently.
“Okay, Atlas, let’s go see your boss.”The giant robot turned and headed for the door. I followed.“So, whaddaya say, big guy? Is Neffy as bad as they say he is in my world?” I asked Atlas.
“Every bit, Patrick, and twenty times worse.” Nefarious’s voice laughed from the speaker. “Ha! Surprised you, did I? I control every aspect of my automatons.”
“I meant no offense, Baron.”
“None taken, Patrick. That is why you are here. Your curiosity to hear the ENTIRE story, and judge for yourself how “bad” a bad guy I truly am.” We strode down the hall of Castle Poppycock, the only sound being the giant footsteps of Atlas alongside me. The walls were tastefully if brightly decorated in gold. The sconces that illuminated the hallway were dimmed. "I keep the castle and surrounding territories at twenty percent power these days. Clan Poppycock has wasted quite enough power." The Baron's voice came from Atlas's speaker.
As we approached the main hall, I could actually feel the vibrant energies that were once contained in this castle. It was as if every creative thought, every peal of laughter still hung in the air, even if its occupants were long departed. I paused before a marble bust of King Poppycock, complete with powdered wig and frock coat. He looked so content, unaware of the danger just outside his Kingdom's walls..."What a fool he was," Nefarious's voice started again. "Allowing the Amulet of Poppycock to slip from his grasp. Come along."
Atlas and me entered the main dining hall. The place was cavernous, and most of it was kept dark now. The great table, wooden and edged in gold, looked like it could seat a hundred a side. Nefarious sat the foot of the table, where robot servants stood at attention. Baron Nefarious ^~ stood as I entered. "Welcome, Patrick. This castle is truly grand, if massively overdone. Please, be seated." We dined on hotcakes, pork roll and eggs. Everything was delicious. "Imported from your world." added Nefarious. "And now, I will grant you a question. Anything."
"I'm afraid I don't even know where to begin, Baron." I shrugged. "Ever since I read the Legend of Poppycock on the Prince's website--"
"Pure fantasy." snorted Nefarious. "Drivel. Sentimental tripe aimed at making people believe the fallen Prince was an innocent babe, cast out by some villain seeking power and control of his kingdom."
"Very well, Baron. What's your side of this story?"
Baron Nefarious produced a tablet computer, and called up The Legend of Poppycock on its screen. Another touch of the screen, and the words were projected in the air between us. "Since you are familiar with the so-called Legend of Poppycock, my friend, we shall pick it apart line-by line."
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview With Nefarious ^~ (PART THREE)
By Patrick Barnesby aka Baron Nefarious
on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at 6:15pm
The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.
I looked in wonder at the words floating in space above the tablet computer.
"You read, I will add the notes as we go."
I read:
("In a magical realm far far away there lived the Crowned Prince of Absurdity, Prince Poppycock.")
"He was, is and always WILL BE absurd. He and his whole family." replied Nefarious.
("Prince Poppycock was a celebrated singer and his days were filled with frivolity, merriment and music.")
"A beautiful voice and nothing else. Pity if he should lose his voice, somehow..." smiled Nefarious.
(The Kingdom of Poppycock where he lived was a golden utopia,)
“A finer example of DYStopia you cannot name...except, perhaps your world.” The Baron smiled. “No offense.”
“None taken.”
(where all citizens had not a care in the world. Consumption, entertainment, and fun were the only things that occupied their minds.)
"Not a care in the world. Certainly not as long as the power was on, music blared, the catapults worked, and the shops remained open all day and night. Did they provide for themselves? No. Did they ever work? No. Were they greedy little swine, whose toughest choice in life was which wig and shoes to wear that day? Oh, yes." snarled Nefarious.
(Everyone including the Prince was blissfully unaware of the dark trouble held in the Nefarious Nether Regions lurking just past the kingdom walls.)
"My father, rest his soul, pleaded with King Poppycock the First for years about the massive Pink Plasma consumption of his Kingdom, how it was upsetting the balance of Nature, and causing natural disasters all though the Nefarious Nether Region. We are a tiny planet, Patrick--one-fifth the size of Earth, with not as many resources to draw on. The very last time my father and the King spoke, the King nodded and smiled, nodded and smiled, and then do you know what he said?"
I shook my head.
"Fancy these headphone wigs! You really should try one on, dear Baron. I couldn't hear a thing you were saying. Thank you for helping me test them, old bean." said Baron Nefarious, imitating the King. "A few days later, my father and mother were lost in an industrial accident--and before you or anyone blame ME for that, I was away at school!"
"My condolences, Baron." I said. "Did Clan Poppycock at least pay their respects?"
"Every last one of them turned out. They brought gifts, food, enough flowers to cover the Region. The King himself delivered the eulogy, and the Prince wrote and played organ for the Requiem Concert. It was magnificent. It was heartfelt. And I hated them for it. Maybe if that fat fool had LISTENED to my father, my parents might still live. Maybe if those fools were more concerned with sharing instead of squandering, there would be no need for a requiem concert!" Baron Nefarious took a few deep breaths. “Continue.”
(The price of self indulgent luxury can be steep, and the kingdom had fallen into crisis.)
“The day after the burial, I re-opened my factory at full capacity. Imagine, Patrick...seventeen years old, and running a planet-providing company as CEO. My parents instilled in me the value of hard work, to have a goal in mind and never, ever waver from it. I made it my vow, my mission, my ultimate GOAL to not only exceed what my parents had accomplished--which was substantial, mind you!-- but to SMASH the Kingdom of Poppycock into rubble, and see its foolish citizens WORK for a living. Whether they knew it or not, the Kingdom of Poppycock had made me their mortal enemy.” Baron Nefarious waved his hand, asking me to continue.
(Royalty exalted a lifestyle of partying all night and shopping all day. People began to have so much they would throw things away the second they had purchased it. This led to the disposal of waste by catapult over the kingdom walls into the Nefarious Nether Regions angering the sleeping forces that lay beyond.)
“I designed the catapults, and as they were installed, the citizens of the Kingdom cheered and cheered. ‘Now we can buy more!’ ‘Huzzah for Baron Nefarious!’ The fools...my Recycle-bots dutifully caught everything they tossed, returned it to my factory and sold it to them again, and again and again! Just for curiosity, I started putting ballast in the fancy packages--they were never opened anyway--and sold them.” Baron Nefarious leaned forward. “Not. One. Complaint.”
My eyebrows raised. “What did the citizens of Poppycock do for money? It sounds like they had unlimited funding.”
“A question I asked myself on several occasions. But that’s getting ahead of the story.” said the Baron. “Please continue, sir.”
(The Pink Plasma flow, the planet's main energy source, was faltering, and the Poppy crop was the most meager in years!)
"Ah, Pink Plasma. Jules! Step forward, please." The humanoid robot in a tuxedo top, who had served us breakfast and helped clear the dishes after, stood next to its master. Baron Nefarious opened the 'bot's shirt, opened its chest panel and pulled out a small, cylindrical container, about the size of a D-cell battery. Jules's blue sensor "eyes" flickered out. The Baron tossed me the container and I studied it. It was glowing pink and cool to the touch.
"Plasma, as you may know, is a distinct form of matter, which, when introduced to electromagnetic energy, allows it to be controlled and applied. Without diverging into a science lesson, plasma is one of the most common forms of matter. Your world is just beginning to discover its applications. Here on Fandonia, our planet, however, Pink Plasma is rare. Pink Plasma powers EVERYTHING here, and until recently, was abundant. The very essence of the planet thrives on the stuff. And, as far as I know, it cannot be synthesized. Yet."
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview With Nefarious ^~ (PART FOUR)
By Patrick Barnesby aka Baron Nefarious
on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at 9:41pm
The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.
I continued to read:
(Baron Nefarious had grown up with Prince Poppycock.)
"Now for my favorite subject. The one EVERYBODY wants my head on a pike for. His Royal Nonsense...Prince....Poppycock." The Baron's words dripped poison. A very dark look crossed his face. "I must thank the Prince for so thoroughly vilifying me in his so-called Legend. Although, I should not be surprised. I committed the one unforgivable sin. I upstaged him."
"When did that happen?"
"The night I interrupted his concert. The night of my grand coup de gras. But, that's skipping ahead, isn't it?" The Baron studied me for a moment. "Patrick, in your own words, define 'LEGEND' for me."
I said, "The way it is presented here, an unverified story about mythical or magical creatures and/or adventures, passed down from generation to generation."
"Unverified." The Baron repeated. "Someone from your world, whose name I will not repeat, said people will believe a big lie sooner than a little lie. Or, why would people think a man dressed as a singing fop could be a filthy liar and, at one time, a bloodthirsty space pirate? It's his word against mine. And, judging by the reaction I get when my name is mentioned, there is to be no redemption for me. Only death, by the most painful means possible."
He nodded at me to continue.(In school he always came in second, and always was picking the short end of the stick.)
"Both our fathers created the private school we attended, for the very best and brightest citizens of Kingdom and Region. We were expected, The Prince and me, in all things, to be the avatars of the institution. I have always been a good student, so this was never a problem, but no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I pushed, there he was. One step ahead. And he made it look easy. I never saw him study, only sing, or furiously scribble notes, drawings or musical notations. One would think our instructors were in mortal fear of King Poppycock should they *dare* give their beloved Prince anything less than First Place, blue ribbons, love and praise and applause. While I was barely noticed. If I went first, people yawned openly. When I went second, heads would be turned towards the tiny Powdered Donut."
I chortled. "Sorry, Baron. Please continue."
"Go right ahead and laugh, Patrick. You would have to work VERY hard, indeed, to offend me. Did I mention HOW he got the name 'Powdered Donut'?
"Not yet."
"Ah. When we were both young children, we played together. He played a prank on his mother. He replaced her powder puff with a jelly donut. She did like to powder herself, and the puff was roughly the same size and shape of a powdered donut. She went to apply powder and SPLAT. Jelly filling all over her face, her dress, the floor....Oh, the scream! Guards raced in from everywhere to see what calamity had happened--did I mention it was RED jelly?"
"Oh, no....."
"Oh, yes! There was a complete and utter panic--everyone thought the Queen had tried to commit suicide. After the hubbub settled down, the contrite Prince cofessed his guilt....and what do you think happened?"
"He got his little Princely tush tanned?"
"No." replied the Baron. "They all started laughing. Laughing! As if it was the cleverest thing in the worldthat the Prince had played such a clever joke! Had I tried that, first I would have likely been beaten by the King and Queen--who would tell them they couldn't--? And then I would have to face MY parents. Believe me, a far worse fate.
My father would always tell me: "Son, you will go far, and one day bury the lazy Poppycocks, with all their avarice and carelessness." And one day," he held the Amulet of Poppycock before him. "He was proven right. Continue, please."
(Always sniveling and obsequious to the Prince's face, he secretly hated him.)
"I did not always hate the Prince. I hated how entitled he was, how people would bow and scrape and humble themselves before him, and grant his every extravagant wish. perhaps they thought that by pleasing HIM, they would gain some favor with his father, the King. It was sickening! I EARNED everything, and was proud of it....while the Prince could merely whisper and he could have ANYTHING."
"You always got the short end of the stick because King Poppycock OWNED the stick." I said.
"The stick, the tree it came from, the whole blasted forest. And do you think, even *I*, the son of the chief supplier of the Kingdom's supplies, should even raise an eyebrow? Never. I was told, very bluntly, that I would be disowned if it was ever found out I had shown even the slightest cheek to the Prince or any of his family. The Nefarious Nether Region is NOT the place you want to be wandering, alone. So, I pretended better than anyone else. I wormed my way into the Prince's trust. I was his confidante, his shoulder, his secret keeper."
"But, you had different ideas behind closed doors."
"Oh yes. What drove me to excel was not eventual success, but putting Prince Poppycock very firmly in his place. Let me make it clear: I did not want him dead then. Any fool can kill somebody. Any fool with half a brain might make it look like an accident and escape. But what drove me, Mr. Barnes, was a white hot desire to HUMBLE those who had humbled everyone around them. To show those who considered the word "work" a curse, what a hard day's work meant, firsthand... and for years, that is what kept my hands from the little Prince's throat, and made the genuflecting bearable."
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview with Nefarious ^~ (PART FIVE)
by the odd~ist Patrick Barnesby aka Baron Nefarious
on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 at 1:38pm
The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.
(He spent his days plotting the kingdom of Poppycock's demise, and most of all the humiliation and banishment of his arch frenemy Prince Poppycock.)
"Frenemy. I thought that was a typo," said the Baron. "But, it's an actual word in your world. It means: an enemy disguised as a friend. And I was that. The Prince was so used to praise and unconditional admiration, it was easy to manipulate him to do nearly anything I wanted. All I ever had to do is hint that it would bring him further glory, or at worst, he could always say it was part of an elaborate practical joke...remember the Powdered Donut incident?, Sire?"
"Those were the days, he would say. Life was so simple, then. One day I will ascend the throne, Master Nefarious....will I ever sing again? Sometimes I want to go away from all this. To just...eke out a living and make people happy with my songs."
"A bird in a golden cage is still a prisoner," I remarked.
"Astute." replied the Baron. "And also true. And that is when he showed me the doorway."
"The Multiversal portal?"
“Correct. Come. 'Atlas!”
I had forgotten that ten foot behemoth was only a few feet away. Baron Nefarious switched off the tablet computer and took it with him. We strode out of the main hall, down the dimly lit corridors to the Royal Library. Here, the lights still burned brightly. As we entered, the Baron and Atlas stopped.
I took in the enormity of the place.Racks upon racks upon racks of books, computer banks, a crystal formation in one corner, a radiant pool four feet to a side near the center, an arch in another corner that led to a beautiful garden. There were tables, chairs, and some terminals Soft music played at the edges of my perception. It was a bookworm's fantasy come to life.
"I knew YOU, of all people, could appreciate this place, Patrick." the Baron spoke softly. "This way, please."We strolled along a rack, and my eyes couldn't move quickly enough to see all the titles of every book, tome, scroll, crystal and record. There must have been millions of records, from countless worlds, each with their own knowledge, arcane and sublime. A longing stirred in me to stay. I would have given nearly anything to study here. One could spend years, learning languages, deciphering alien languages, learning how history diverged along nearly infinite paths...We arrived at a well-lit corner, neatly piled with books, drafting materials, notepads and a larger version of the tablet computer.
Of all the chaos, there was an orderliness, a neatness to it.
"Welcome to my inner sanctum, Mr. Barnes. This library is the one reason this castle still stands. It contains the collected knowledge of countless worlds. Maybe I'll let you browse when our interview is complete. Under Atlas's supervision, of course!"
The Baron directed me to an overstuffed chair, and he sat across from me. "For all this knowledge," he looked around as he spoke, "For everything one could learn here, and have nearly unlimited time to do so, why would anyone let themselves go to pot?"
"I know I could spend eternity here. A hundred years a shelf."
We both laughed.
"I was one of the few people to have unlimited access to the library." explained the Baron. "All this knowledge....accumulated from many universes."
I motioned towards the arch leading to the forest. "Is that the Portal?"
"No. It only leads to one dimension. Nowhere special. The real portal?" A smile crossed the Baron's face. "You enjoy fantastical tales. Take a guess."
I sat and thought. The movie 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory' came up, with a tiny, tiny door leading into the vast Chocolate Room.
"I need a clue. How big is the doorway, Baron?"
"Twelve feet by twelve feet...enough to fly a small 'hopper through comfortably, or a caravan. Why do you ask?"
"So it's a fixed doorway. If I wanted to hide a doorway to the Multiverse, I'd make it very, very small. Somewhere you'd walk right by repeatedly and not even look. Ever."The Baron's eyes glittered, briefly.
"Are you sure you don't want to work for me, Patrick? I can always use an idea man."
"Anything is possible." I replied noncommittally. "After all, I'm here, and I have a definite reason to stay.
"The Baron tossed me the tablet he was using before. "Read the Legend again, carefully, and you tell me where YOU would hide an interdimensional portal."
I brought up the Legend on screen again and studied it. The Baron stood up and went to the huge desk he was working at, and jotted some notes. “Take your time. Think. It’s right there. Correctly answer in one guess and I’ll let you see it for yourself.”
My eyes widened. What an opportunity! I set to the task.
I found the passage:
(They [the space pirates] storm the Kingdom walls and the Prince manages to enter the throne room and faces Nefarious alone.Challenged to a duel Nefarious proposes that the location be the Multiverse and their weapons be swords.)
“The throne room!”
Baron Nefarious stopped and looked at me. “Why?”
“You said you were one of the few who was granted unlimited access to the library. Unlimited. You showed potential, and since you were the avatar of the private school, as well as Prince’s trusted ‘friend’, you would have been running things one day.”
“Go on.”
“You’ve been open with me so far. As nice and playful and silly as a King would be, or his son the Prince, they had to maintain the feudal pecking order. And with how this Legend and you have described the citizens, they couldn’t just have anybody going through that portal. Geez, they’d wreak havoc across the Universes! A shopping trip that could destroy a universe.”
“So exactly WHERE would you hide something that large?”
“In plain sight. Does this king have private chambers behind the throne?”
“Indeed."
"And let me guess. Only three people were allowed there, ever. Not servants, who could spill secrets, not trusted friends, just King, Queen and Prince.”
A cruel smile played at the Baron's lips. “Well, he did show me, once.”
“So. Do I get to see it now?”
“Yes. Let’s go.”
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview With Nefarious ^~ (PART SIX)
by the odd~ist, Patrick Barnes
(The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.)
We quickly strode down the hall to the throne room, both of us excited. Myself, for this strange world and the mysteries that lay beyond, and the Baron for having a chance to show a kindered spirit (for now) his secrets. Atlas kept pace easily.
The Throne Room of Poppycock, once gleaming gold and ornate decorations, had been stripped. Where once tapestries hung, the ugly logo of Nefarious Robot Werks now adorned the walls. It felt....out of place here. A vain attempt to squelch the feudal majesty that once reigned. Nefarious never pulls rank here, huh? Or was it just The Baron defacing his hated enemy's throne room?
We walked up to the thrones. One huge and gold, carved bejewelled and plush. To its right, another, smaller throne, also in gold and encrusted with jewels. The last was silver, decorated in ribbons and spangles. I smiled to myself, no doubt who would have sat here! As we drew close, I could feel that vibrant energy again, stronger than ever. The love, the laughter, the joy of Clan Poppycock were still here. It was as if its masters had just left. It resonated in some part of me.
"What is that...?"
Baron Nefarious walked up to the King's throne and picked up an ornate fan with two fingers. "I thought I ordered all these recycled! Robots..."
"May I see that fan, please?"
The Baron tossed the fan to me. "Keep it as a souvenir of your visit. A last vestige of a long....." his voice faded away and my vision was filled with white.....
......and suddenly, I was in the throne room of the Kingdom of Poppycock, in all its glory! I was surrounded on all sides by Courtiers, by citizens, all in various styles of dress, and all bewigged and made up to varying degrees.
"WELCOME, DEAR PATRICK!"
I spun around to find King Poppycock addressing me. Beside him, seated, was the Queen. The Prince's throne was empty. They were both smiling.
I dropped to a knee. "Greetings, Your Royal Majesties. I'm not sure how I got here, but it is lovely to see you all!"
A gentle "awwww" passed through the crowd.
The King, smiled broadly. "Rise, rise!" He commanded. I rose and stood straight and tall. The king stepped to the edge of the dais and looked me over. The king was shorter and more plump than his son. He wore a small crown, off to the right side of his head decorated with pearls. His wig was white but spiky and wild looking. He was made up like the Prince, but with a thin, delicate black moustache and heart-shaped goatee painted on. He wore a deep purple frock coat trimmed in gold, vest and white knickers, with bright pink running shoes. He also wore rings on every finger and a spangled cape.
"We are His Royal Poetry, King Poppycock the First. Here is Her Royal Luminescence, Queen Poppycock,"The Queen nodded as he spoke her name. "...and thou hast seen our beloved son, His Royal Nonsense, Prince Poppycock in thy realm. We know thy name to be Patrick, and aside from a curious resemblance to Baron Nefarious, thy heart sings to us. Welcome, and be blessed."
The king's voice was strong, lyrical, suited for poetry and for speaking. Part of me felt at home here. It made me so sad that such lovely people, no matter how careless, should be under the thumb of Baron Nefarious and his machinations.
"Do not let thy heart be troubled, noble Patrick." he continued. "For the story is not yet complete. Thy part in it is just, so people may know why things happened so. Tell thou the truth, so people may learn from our foolishness."
"I will, Sire. I promise."
"Good!" replied the King." What hast thou there?"
"Oh! Your fan, sire. May I approach His Majesty...?"
"Ah!" the king looked back at The Queen. "What impeccable manners, eh? And not a hint of who he looks like..." he chuckled. "Not at all. Approach us, Patrick."
I did so, and handed King Poppycock his fan. As he snapped it open, it flew out of his hands and fluttered right back to me! A gasp went through the assembled as I caught it.
"I'm...sorry, Sire, let me just hand it back..." I did, and the fan snapped open by itself, and flew back to me again.The King looked flustered, and then started to laugh, a great guffaw that was infectious. I felt no fear here, only happiness. Everyone joined in the laughter.
"Congratulations, Patrick. That was your fan, after all! Our gift to thee."
I blushed. "Thank you, Sire. I'll treat it well."
The King looked serious for a moment: "See that you do." and then his face dissolved into another peal of laughter. "Did that sound serious enough?"
"Quite, Sire."
"Oh, good. Have to keep in practice." he chuckled.
"Any message for your son, Sire?"
The king smiled. "Thou art good to ask, dear Patrick, but know this: his heart sings to us, and he is closer to us than thou can know."
"I see. Can I do anything else?"
"Be kind, be true, and let thy heart sing so we may hear thee."
"I will, sire. Thank you."
"Until we meet again, noble Patrick...remember!"
The joyous light faded..........
....................and Baron Nefarious was right where he was.
"A last vestige of a long faded kingdom of FOOLS!" he said. "Are you all right?"
"Maybe an after effect of the portal, Baron. I got dizzy for a moment."
"It happens. Are you ready to see the doorway?"
"You betcha!"
I followed the Baron past the thrones to a hidden door and down a small dark hallway. The light from the Doorway illuminated the entire room....
"Oh, wow........"
TO BE CONTINUED................
Interview WIth Nefarious ^~ (PART SEVEN) by the odd~ist, Patrick Barnesby Baron Nefarious on Thursday, October 14, 2010 at 12:57pm
(The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.)
The Doorway into Worlds.....what I can recall of it was this:
Imagine, if you will, images projected on still water. Images of multitudes of realities, phasing in and out of existence. And in each image, another image...another image and for each of those another. The closest image I can relate is a "Sierpinski fractal" (look it up!) Anything you can or can't imagine.
Anything. Everything. Nothing. All at once.
I weep when I think of its beauty. To dive in, and to live in between the spaces of realities. They exist as surely as thoughts exist. So natural. So easy. No wonder it was locked away to be forgotten, guarded by a jealous few....oh just one trip...just one...
"Atlas!"
A huge metal band clamped around my arms and chest, yanking me away--No. NO! NO!!!!!
When my vision cleared, the Baron was smiling. I was held firmly in place by the Baron's bodyguard's manipulator. He watched as my breathing returned to normal. I was on my feet and facing away from the doorway.
"Better now, Mr. Barnes?"
I nodded slowly. "That....that..."
"That was the Portal, Mr. Barnes. You were about to step into it, unprotected. A fate I would only wish upon a few." He smiled wickedly again.
"I'm okay, now. You can release me any time."
The Baron frowned. "Not just yet. There is something else I want to show you, first."
In the wonder of the Doorway, I had failed to see what was on the walls leading to it. The chamber itself was as huge as an aircraft hangar...impossibly huge for the size of the hallway we had just entered. Along the walls were more racks, like the library, and glass enclosed cases and displays. But it was what was before me that amazed me all over again.
I saw vehicles of every possible description, displayed like museum pieces. They were flown from the ceiling, sitting in cases, displayed with pride all across the floor. Vehicles of our world, and ones I did not recognize. Robots dutifully dusted the displays. One could not take it all in from afar.
"How....?"
"Dimensional compression, Mr. Barnes. This chamber itself exists in a completely different dimension. Welcome to King Poppycock's private museum...til now, only viewed by four people, counting myself."
"Any chance for a tour?"
"Perhaps..." a sly look came over the Baron's face. "But first, we must finish our story!"
"Captive audience, huh?"
The Baron laughed, a disturbing sound. "Oh, very well. Atlas..."
The metal "hand" of Atlas released me. I could breathe a little easier now. My arms were tingling. He handed me the tablet computer we were referencing, and the King's fan I dropped when I made a dash to the portal. I continued:
(In his grey and dismal industrial Kingdom his factories financed the frivolity of Prince Poppycock.)
"Perhaps the best place to finish this story, Patrick, is where the fall of the Kingdom was....engineered. Come!"
We strolled back down the hallway, again impossibly placed in this gargantuan museum. Atlas brought up the rear. From the throne room, we strode to the ornate front doors and the main gate of Castle Poppycock. The sun was especially bright after being inside the dimly lit castle all that time.
Castle Poppycock, on the outside, was gleaming gold and marble throughout, a lovely sight against the perfect blue sky. The Baron's air car was at the bottom of the main staircase. A stark contrast to the sweeping beauty of the Kingdom of Poppycock, it was painted matte black and was boxy, very utilitarian. It looked like the illegitimate child of an Army jeep and a limousine, open on top like a convertible. The flag of Nefarious Robot Werks adorned the hood. We climbed in, belted up and took off.
The Kingdom of Poppycock truly *was* a golden utopia from the air, magnificent and breathtaking. I could see the catapults arrayed about the inner walls. Atlas took off and followed right behind us. As beautiful as the Poppycock Kingdom was, nothing could have prepared me for the Nefarious Nether Region. It was like passing out of color, life and warmth. The air took on a chill, and the feeling of love I had before, vanished..........
Interview With Nefarious ^~ (PART EIGHT)
by the odd~ist, Patrick Barnesby Baron Nefarious on Thursday, October 14, 2010 at 7:57pm
(The Legend of Poppycock, and all characters and situations therein, are the creations of John Andrew Quale and Steve LaNasa. The following is a work of fan-fiction based on their story. NO Copyright Infringement is intended, and this should NOT be considered canon.)
So this is what the prince felt when he climbed out out of that Faberge egg space-pod, I thought. I felt a chill that had nothing at all to do with the air. There are some who say that Hell is the complete absence of love. If there was ever a place that lacked any warmth or love, it was The Nefarious Nether Region. The very color faded to grays and blacks. Among the winding, dark roads and dark forest sat the Nefarious compound.
First we passed Mansion Nefarious, an enormous compound surrounded by a forbidding wall, patrolled by robots. We passed it on the way to the Nefarious Consumer Products Plant, a factory compound. Both were dirty, dark and in need of repair. In contrast to these buildings was a new, all glass structure in the shape of a squat pyramid with a blunt top. Along the sides scrolled the words NEFARIOUS ROBOT WERKS.
Robot sentries also patrolled by land and by air. None challenged either the aircar or Atlas as we approached. We set down atop the flat top of the pyramid, and a platform lowered us to a hangar bay. Atlas landed next to us.
As I live and breathe, my friends, I thought I had just stepped onto the set of a 1950's horror movie. Along the walls of the hangar were dozens of giant robots that made Atlas look like a mere toy.
"Ah, the Ares class!" trumpeted the Baron. "For defense, of course."
"Defense against *what*?"
The Baron's shoulders slumped. "Oh, Patrick....for a man who has just seen a dimensional gateway, your imagination disappoints me. Do you honestly believe I would leave such a magnificent prize unguarded? Or, that there is NO ONE who would use such a prize as an excuse to attack me? SIC VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM."
"If you want peace, prepare for war." I said.
"Good. Did Clan Poppycock prepare?"
"They didn't prepare to be betrayed by their friend." I said.
The Baron's eyes flared for a moment, then softened. "No. No they didn't. And now, they are here."
We proceeded to a glass elevator, the Baron and me. Atlas stayed put. The elevator shaft overlooked several floors of robot production. From AI development to assembly. There were robots of all shapes and sizes, soe humanoid and some industrial, working alongside human associates. The factory was gigantic, from what I could see, and sparkling clean.
"So, if I understand correctly, this was the result of your work. Not your parents'."
"Quite so, Patrick. Amazing what one can do when one is properly motivated."
The elevator stopped and we stepped out. A beautiful woman in a white lab coat and professional dress underneath walked up to us with a clipboard."Good afternoon, Baron. All sections report nominal. Output for Section P is up by eleven per cent."
"Well done, Ms. Ray. May I introduce my counterpart from Dimension JSRN. Mr. Patrick Barnes."
"Welcome, Mr. Barnes." I shook Ms. Ray's hand. "A pleasure, Ms. Ray." She was quite lovely. Pity she was working for the Baron. I had the feeling I had seen this lady before. Maybe I had passed her by in my world.
"Ms. Ray," said the Baron. "Could you please show Mr. Barnes Section P, and see to it he is fitted with an ID badge? It would be unfortunate if he were to trip any of our security measures, even if he does look just like me."
"Right away, Baron."
"I leave you in Ms. Ray's capable hands, Mr. Barnes. Status reports to fill out and such. Remember, I'm still CEO. We'll meet after your tour and have lunch, shall we?" His tone was professional to a fault.
"See you then."
"This way, Mr. Barnes." Ms. Ray and me stepped into another elevator, and we went down even further into the complex. We stepped out at a guard checkpoint (human!) and received an ID badge on a lanyard. It seems a security camera had already captured my face and printed it on the badge. LEVEL 4 ACCESS was printed on it. We went through a set of double doors, flashed our access badges before a scanner, and walked onto a large production line floor.
"Welcome to Section P." said Ms. Ray.
"P for Poppycock?"
"Yes. The Baron has them assembling parts for use in the Ares class gyrostabilizer."So here they are, I thought. The Courtesans, family and citizens of the kingdom of Poppycock, all here. The work looked simple enough, but tedious and repetitive. They were all in 'bunny suits', hooded white jumpsuits with shoe covers and gloves, as not to introduce dust into the work environment. It must have been hell for people who were used to so much color and extravagance....
"Any questions, Mr. Barnes?"
None you or your boss want to hear, I thought. "Too many to count," I smiled. "Par for the course being a visitor."
"Come with me." I followed Ms. Ray to her office. "Close the door behind you, please."
As I closed the door, the lights went out and I heard a gasp, a soft hiss, and a moan. "Wh-" is all I managed to get out before a hand pressed on my mouth. The light came on again, and I was face-to-face with a very exotic looking woman."Hello, Patrick. I'm a friend. No yelling." I nodded, and she took her hand away from my mouth. "Good boy." She smiled.
She then moved quickly around the desk, activating a control on her wrist computer and consulting the desk terminal. She smiled. "Perfect. We have a few minutes to talk."
"And who are you?"
"Baroness Araya Sunshine, Captain of the Spirit of Chardonnay, Galactic Bounty Hunter with the Intergalactic Federation of Karma, friend of Clan Poppycock...and giant THORN in the side of Baron Nefarious."
Baroness Sunshine wore a metallic, shimmering wig, fancy sunglasses, a scarf, and a black bodysuit that left little to the imagination. For outer space bounty hunter, I thought, she was quite...fashionable. Slung on her hip was a utility belt with two holsters, and bracers on her wrists, one containing her wrist computer.
"What happened to Ms. Ray?" I asked.
"Mild sedative. We don't have much time. Is the Portal intact?"
"Yes..." I answered slowly.
"Did the Baron mention anything at all about an invasion of your world?"
"Not at all."
"Good." The Baroness breathed a sigh of relief. "You know who's out there" she nodded towards the production floor "...don't you?"
"Yes." I replied, sadly. "I take it this isn't a rescue mission."
"Afraid not, unless you want to come with me." purred the Baroness.
